Thursday, 26 April 2018

The Light - Short Story by Alita Kay

I take a long drag from the cigarette within my shaking fingers and breathe it out unsteadily where it hangs like a cloud in the windless night air. It’s bright tonight. A full moon hangs lowly in the sky and the stars and haze of the Milky Way are clear above. They reflect on the still ocean water like a doorway to a parallel universe. My legs dangle over the jetty and my toes skim the cool water, soothing me and giving me the desire to place my whole body in, as if the salty water could cleanse me, or something.

It’s awfully tempting; pushing myself off the wooden planks and swimming as far to the bottom as I can. Even I knew my present mindset after taking three and half pills this evening would make it difficult for my body to reach the surface alive again. I took another long draw of my cigarette before wiping at the water beneath my eyes.

I’m pathetic. I’m confused. I left a party at one in the morning and found myself wandering to the beach by myself yet being alone was the furthest thing from what I wanted to be. In my defence, those party goers weren’t exactly much company. I couldn’t talk to them. I don’t even know how I got involved with them in the first place, let alone living with them. No, I remember now. They were all I had. And how sad is that? The only people who were there for me were acquaintances who had sold me pills a few times while I had been out clubbing. They were the ones to take me in. Not my ‘friends’. Not my family.

The people I live with though, don’t get me wrong, are good people. I guess we found each other because we were all lost but yet we didn’t exactly want to be found either. They didn’t talk much but they didn’t have to for me to know they on some mild level understood. We weren’t cut out for this so called world. A full time job that eats at you piece by piece. At settling down. At thinking five years ahead every moment of everyday. Of conforming to the social norms of society. Of disappointment. It wasn’t for us. 

Therefore, I didn’t blame them for resulting to drugs at every opportunity they had. God knows I did the same. But it wasn’t enough anymore. The drugs didn’t distract me anymore. I couldn’t run from myself anymore.

I placed my cigarette butt back in the packet and lied down on my back upon the wooden planks. There was nothing and everything ahead of me. Nothing, yet the entire universe. I stretched my arms out to either side of me and raised them slightly. At the same moment a breeze came, whooshing the smell of salt in the air, giving me the sensation that I was flying. I smiled, staring at the infinite stars and endless possibilities. I felt almost weightless if it weren’t for an uneven plank stabbing me in my lower back. The breeze dropped and I followed suit with my hands, turning on my side, shifting so that I lied parallel with the jetty, my arm draped over the edge and my fingers grazing the black water.
If you asked me three years ago what I planned to do with my life, I would have given an undelayed answer of my very detailed five-year plan consisting of studying, moving to Sydney and putting a deposit on a house. Only that never happened. Shit changed. That plan doesn’t interest me in the slightest anymore. I don’t know, maybe I’m just lazy. But I don’t want to live that life at all anymore.

And my friends? They were too busy making something out of themselves, to have even a spare moment for me. I didn’t blame them though. If I had my shit together I wouldn’t want to involve myself with someone like me. I’d only be a dead weight, a negative energy draining the room. But I never used to be. I used to be the most positive. I had the ability to cheer someone up within moments. I was fun. I was funny. But then suddenly that wasn’t enough. Writing in my spare time wasn’t going to get me anywhere, everyone’s ideas of me changed and I became inadequate, lost, and earned the title of one of those people who were ‘going nowhere with their lives’.

That’s why he left too. “You’re almost twenty one years old and you haven’t nearly got your life figured out,” I replay his voice in my mind, and it hurts just as much as hearing it the first time and not actually the 1000th. “I’m busy figuring out myself,” I had argued back. I thought that was far more important; knowing who I am, not who I should be. He laughed and within days he left from my life, taking my heart and everything I was with him. I wasn’t myself for a long time. I’m perhaps still not.

My mother of all people though, was supposed to be there for me. She wasn’t. She snorted at the news. “You’re too much to deal with,” she had said, ignoring my swollen eyes and my internal pain that was so strong, I was sure anyone in a 100m radius could feel it. “I’m surprised he stuck around this long.”

And she had a point, though I’d hate to admit. I was too much. Too much of something.
Different perhaps. That was when I realised that the world had turned out to be nothing like I had hoped. And everything after that went spiralling downwards into a bottomless pit I feel like I can never climb out of.

I had turned to my mother for help again when things got worse. I told her how I felt. “You’re a teenager. What in the world do you know about depression? You haven’t experienced anything.” Then she waved me away with her hand and I never brought it up to her again. But I thought that was exactly the point. Teenagers haven’t experienced anything. They are hopeful and they have this optimistic perception of the world they know nothing about. They haven’t built themselves the walls that adults have to protect them and that makes them so much more vulnerable to life and the inevitable disappointment it would bring.  

A tear slid off the bridge of my nose and fell into the water, disappearing with the infinite other drops and sending ripples over the surface. I notice something bright from the corner of my eye, but I ignore it, assuming it to be the moon’s distorted twin. Then it flashes again or glows, I’m not sure but I glance into its direction and find a bright pale light in the water, similar to that of the moon; only the moon’s replica is further out in the horizon and not a metre away from me. I sit up, staring at the light, then glance up at the sky and find no bright stars worthy of that reflection from above. I return my gaze to the light and it has moved two metres away from me, but it continues to sit still. Perhaps the drugs are playing tricks on me.

I reach for the light, splashing my hand in the water fast in an attempt to startle it. The water is disrupted, ripples and small waves are sent in every direction, their edges glowing from the moonlight, and when it calms again, the light is gone. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed, so I continue to watch where the mysterious glow had been but see nothing. I consider slipping into the water again, but instead I pat the ocean surface as if bidding it farewell, when something grabs a hold of my wrist and pulls me into the water.

It took me several long moments to realise what had happened. My wrist is free and as I open my eyes, I notice the surface is metres away. I begin to swim for it, irrationally scared, when something grabs a hold of my ankle. I look down and find a giant forest of seaweed, reaching out from the dark bottom and one of the long thin stems has twisted itself around my ankle. I kick my foot free and attempt for the surface again, reaching for the oxygen my lungs have begun to crave but I’m not getting any closer, my ankles once again restrained.

I look down again into the darkness and see several stems attached to my legs. I claw at their slimy bodies and I can feel their residue beneath my nails. I am free again so I kick for the surface in panic, my lungs bursting. I aim for the moon I can see on the other side, its brightness giving me a sense of safety. My fingers reach the air and relief floods over me as my head takes its turn but I am dragged down by my legs, then my waist, much faster than before. The seaweed is alive and I scream, watching their fingers reach from every direction of the darkness, grabbing my wrist and curling itself around my neck.

The surface is so far away now. I have stopped kicking and fighting. This was the moment I had been hoping for after all. I let the salt water fill my lungs. I don’t fight it. Even when the small white light emerges through the forest of seaweed, glowing around a figures neck and hovers only inches away from me. My eyes close as I feel a comforting yet shocking sensation on my lips.

My last thought is that everything is going to be okay. Maybe I do belong somewhere. 

Wednesday, 17 January 2018


...a lame poem by me. 

I see the rippling clear shores in the iris’ of your eyes.
And I think of lying on the sand beneath clear blue skies.
Your curly hair in the shapes of ringlets and waves,
and how I imagine spending time with you on those blistering days. 

The drives along the coast we take in those early afternoons,
drinking beer, swapping tunes.
Your sun kissed spots on the bridge of your nose,
the feeling of damp sand between my toes. 

Strands of your hair blowing about with your window wound down,
while I sing loudly to a song,  quite awfully, while we drive around.
Watching the sun fall slowly beneath the sea,
and I know, it’s just you and me.

I don’t like winter; it is too cold and much too grey.
But your reminder helps of what will come and for a while stay.
And I shall never take for granted the warmth on my skin,
ridding me of goose bumps and shivers, instead darkening therein. 

Like I won’t take for granted your understanding and how much you care,
because losing you again I honestly couldn’t bare.
You see, I couldn’t live in a world of only winter; the endless bitterness I can’t do.
And living in a world of only winter, is how it feels to lose you. 

Wednesday, 10 January 2018


Happy new year guys. It is usually around this time that I create a post declaring my transformations, realizations and learning's of the past year. But luckily for you I will not be doing that this time. Mostly because I feel that I am still mid-transition, have not yet found the entire conclusion of my realization and am still learning the same lessons. 

I will say that I feel very hopeful for 2018. Excited almost. I feel that something big will happen - but whether it is good or bad, I do not know. Maybe both. But even if it is bad, I must remember that grief and growth go hand in hand. 

Callum and I went down South for our holiday break in late December. It was magnificent and I have returned as a Beach Snob. Perth has amazing beaches - just ask any Perthian. But boy do they not compare to the beaches down South; Albany and Bremer Bay for instance. 

Perth city isn't much to look at. It is small and after a while the pubs and bars start to all look the same. But, if you ever come to Perth, I insist that you do not stay in the city. Because what you really should see is the WA coastline (pictured below). 

Bremer Bay was our first stop on our road trip. Including the time it took for toilet breaks, snacks and fuel stops, it took us a total of 7 hours until we finally arrived in the town. The town was extremely small which resulted in their only grocery store being far too expensive as they attempt to make up for the money they never earn in the quiet time. However, the beaches with squeaking (yes, it actually squeaks) white sand and the clearest blue water you could imagine, even when overcast, was worth it. We spent our full day in Bremer Bay four wheel driving around the main beach which attracts quite a crowd during the day, then drove as far along the coast as we could, often having to go down narrow tracks through the bush before coming out of the other side of a small cliff. It didn't take us long until we had a beach completely to ourselves. The isolation and beauty was unreal. 

Albany was a much larger town than I had expected. We ended up staying at a caravan park which was located in the industrial side of the town which definitely was not ideal, but it was okay because we were barely at the camp site anyway. And when I thought the coast line couldn't get any better than BB, I was blown away. 

Little Beach, Albany

We returned home on the 1st of January, spending the afternoon relaxing back in our apartment from both the late (and rather eventful) New Years night we spent together, as well the drive home. By the time the 1st day of 2018 was over I already had a plan for my year. Or, hopes at least.

So I have another editor now for my book who I pay per chapter to fix my grammar mistakes as well as provide advice. She isn't an editor by profession; I made this very clear in my Gumtree ad that a professional was exactly not what I wanted.
I declared that I was hoping to find an amateur, seeing as that is exactly what I am, who is hoping to make something out of themselves like me, or maybe has a passion for books. 
I received over 50 responses.

But I am very pleased with my chosen editor as we are now up to the 4th chapter of editing. By the time the third chapter was sent to me I felt very hopeful and optimistic. My novel Tesselate had been stressing me out to extreme lengths as the process was not keeping up with the timeline I had in my head and I was still not confident with it. But now I feel that I have been placed back onto the tracks. And although I may not be at the stop I was hoping to be at by this point, I am heading in the right direction. I can feel it. 

So by the end of 2018 I hope to have finalized my book to my highest expectations. I will once again attempt to submit it to publishers. But I am also excited to self-publish it myself, speak to book stores and try and have it available on kindle. So whichever route I have to take, I am good with either one. 

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Life as a sensitive #1

I have always been sensitive. Sensitive to constructive criticism for instance. Sensitive to seeing others cry - and sensitive to change, no matter how large or small.

Sensitivity was always an unwelcomed trait. I had read up about it, and found that many people are sensitive like me also, causing influxes in their mood but with a great ability to put themselves in another’s shoes so easily and in such great detail.

Although this trait has been well known about myself, particularly from my childhood nick name of ‘sook’, it is only recently after being accepted to our very own apartment and constant discussions of furniture and colour schemes, that I realized that something even as simple as a mere colour, affects me.

I guess I had always known this after living with my grandparents for 15 years. The house was black, grey with splashes of red. That was basically the entirety of the colour scheme from my bathroom, the kitchen, living room and laundry, and it always had. Maybe that was why I always found myself choosing to dwell in my bedroom with coloured lanterns hanging from the roof and an electric rainbow bedspread; feeling content amongst the bright colours, as opposed to the lifeless grey.
We all know colours have a mood. Orange for instance is nothing less than happy. So is yellow, representing a cloudless summer day. A light blue is still and content, quite like the sky. But grey I find is dull and sad. It’s a great colour to sit amongst with a blanket whilst the rain pours heavily outside. But I am only occasionally fond of rainy days, mostly when they had not graced us with its presence in months, and so the reminder of such weather isn’t pleasant and brings only a sense of confinement as I wait for the grey to pass.

I love to wear red. It’s a bright and bold colour that I find suits well on my skin tone. But when my partner suggested the colour to be incorporated into our colour scheme I crinkled my nose and shook my head. Bold was nice to wear, but I didn’t need to be consistently shouted at by the colour in my home when I get home from work.

Red wants to be admired and it is a beautiful colour, so that wouldn’t be difficult. But it is not admired for its serenity but is admired for its uniqueness - difficult to find anywhere in nature other than the isolated plains of Australia, and it consistently demands to receive attention, whether your gaze provides it that willingly or not.

It is just odd how much detail I could go into regarding the mood and atmosphere of a colour, and even more strangely how much one can affect me. I don’t feel comfortable amongst red for long, finding I become restless, almost uncomfortable. Grey always has me feeling sluggish, yearning for the brighter colours of orange and yellow, or the rainforest greens, where I can sit amongst representations of the world and nature I feel the most me in.

So, anyway, what should be an exciting task of finding furniture and items for our new apartment has been rather difficult, particularly when my boyfriend suggests a black dinner table and dark grey couch. But we have compromised and decided on a beige sofa with orange pillows which I feel will mimic the sand and sun on our coastal beaches J

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

September in a nutshell

It has been quite difficult to maintain ideas on what to write these days. A year ago, it was effortless.
So I am going to try something new that even my lazy-and-suddenly-uncreative-mind can keep up with, and that’s by posting every month, summarising that very month by presenting a range of cluttered ideas, moods and thoughts.

August was a month of recovering from my overseas travels and job searching so I have little to say to about that month. Except that of course, I found a job that I am quite fond of and am currently in my second week.

September on the other hand has given me the desire and energy to explore. The wild flowers are blossoming so it would be a shame not to get in nature and admire Spring’s handiwork. The sun is rising earlier I notice on my morning jogs and images in my head of the summer I want to create excite me.

Mood { I guess we are all trying to get to know ourselves. I’ve learnt more about myself this year so far. I don’t think we truly know ourselves until we hate who we are. A strong feeling of dislikement for who I am seeped in early September – where I wouldn’t even want to be friends with me - and I didn’t know where to go from there. Now I realise the next step is to improve. Admitting is the first step.
(At least my dog loves me for me)

Idea { Maybe our drunk selves that we hate and pretend never showed their face that fateful night has something to teach us? Of course there are the obvious teachings that we shouldn’t have drunk so much or acted the way we did. But maybe that drunken idiot had a subconscious motive. And I feel it is time to let go of the people that brought that psychotic drunk out. Not that they were handing me the ammo or anything. But why did my other half feel the need to drink so much? Of course my other half likely has issues, but perhaps it was the atmosphere that my other half did not feel comfortable in.

Thought { I have begun to let go of those I consider negative energies, from my life. I haven't seen any miraculous changes so far, but I do feel as if a weight, albeit small, has been lifted from me.
The thing about 'negative energies' however, do not necessarily have to mean people who simply put you down. They don't have to be bullies. They don't have to be people you disagree with.

They can be very good people.

But they can not be good people, for you.

I realize that now. I was trying hard to establish and maintain friendships with people who may not have been suitable for me.
One should never feel that they question they're words prior to speaking them in order to fit in, or that their ideas or topics of communication are not welcome. For many people, those that I consider for myself 'negative' are perfect for many other people. We simply clash too much that I feel as if I am withholding myself if not, losing myself.

And it's okay to feel that way, no matter how many memories you may share. Because people change, especially yourself. And you will meet people who share those new interests and your way of speaking and find your topics of conversation interesting. Until you change again.

19th of September,
My friend and I made a video for a competition that was announced on Triple J. The objective is to make a video that showcases one's 'air djing' talents to win tickets, as well as other additions, for the Listen Out festival.
My friends and I already have tickets and so the prizes weren't what appealed me to the challenge.
I had been driving home when I heard about the competition, and instantly began to wonder 'what would I do in the video'. I had no intentions of actually making one, until I got home, shared my ideas with my friend and within minutes we were making arrangements.
She came over the Saturday night to film and edit and did not leave until midnight. We had an absolute blast making the video, laughing so hard that we couldn't stand straight.
Unfortunately we didn't win, but that's okay. I am glad we did it.
I did feel as if we embarrassed ourselves by posting the video to social media for everyone we know; for the people we drunkenly added on Facebook during a night out; for our family to see and risk them commenting. I know that we got quite a few disapproving opinions from people, and at first that had bothered me and made me consider taking it down.
But now I am proud; whether winners or not. Because I thought it was funny. And if I was able to make someone smile, then that is good enough for me.

Video available here:

Monday, 7 August 2017

Europe 2017

I have just returned from my first independent overseas adventure travelling around Europe for one month. Unfortunately my phone was stolen within the first few days of my trip which made it difficult to carry through with my promise of posting whilst there and for that I am sorry.

I can't say that I have returned as a different person. I learnt more about myself and those closest to me but return mostly with precious memories and experiences that I will keep forever in my journal and heart.

It was a trip of an absolute life time where I was able to get a taste of different cities and countries including France, Italy, Austria, Germany, Switzerland and Holland. Of all the places I visited, I have narrowed my favorite places down to three: Paris, Nice and Switzerland. Paris is of course one of my favorites because it continues to hold my favorite memory of all. After arriving and driving through the city on our coach we were able to hop off and explore the city on our own. It is also when I first became friends with Ashleigh and Lauren who are likely two of the best friends that I have ever made. Spending a whole month together can have that affect on you.

We hopped off the bus in Paris and ran to the lookout, squealing as we stared at the Eiffel Tower in the short distance away while tears trickled down my cheeks. We grabbed some crepes beneath the majestic monument which was an undoubtedly surreal feeling before purchasing a bottle of champagne, popping it in the garden and sitting below the tower with a hundred other people and listening to music that people played nearby. From that night onwards, we were inseparable.

Our Free day was spent exploring what little ground we could cover in the magnificent Louvre. If you are not a fan of art but admire architecture then I recommend going because the palace itself is a place worth seeing. 

It was definitely an eventful month filled with many laughs, dozens of bonds made and drunken nights in unfamiliar cities. We stayed for one night in Beaujolais, a town in the country side known mostly for its wine. Our Contiki group stayed in a Chateau with another Contiki Group, and it had been announced a day before that there would be a party held at the location with the theme of 'P Party'. Two of my favorite people on the trip, Kein and Phil, also best friends, went as a 'pair' and proceeded to wear matching shirts: one wearing 'Shake' and the other wearing 'N'bake'. It was extremely cute. Me, my sister, Ashleigh and Lauren had intended to go as Presents, but the lack of wrapping paper sold in Paris made that extremely difficult so on the day we reluctantly decided to go as pregnant. We were all worried about any judgement from the other trippers but found that we received a lot of attention and erupted quite a bit of laughs. 

Bad moms

Nice was a city I had been looking forward to but had not expected for it to be one of my top three places that I visited. The beaches were always swarming with people, many topless and buskers playing actually really great music created a vibe in front of the breathtaking view that cannot easily be copied anywhere else. 


One of the things I admired about France was the affection constantly shown from local couples; finding middle aged couples holding hands over the tables at restaurants, embraces at the beaches and in the streets as they all appeared undoubtedly in love.

One of my fondest memories is in Corfu Greece at our 'traditional Ionian Dinner' where I was able to smash plates as is the Greek tradition before we all danced with our arms around each other's shoulders and did an extremely long conga line around the restaurant. If you are after a real Greek experience I would not suggest going to Corfu, as it is a much quieter island with not very much of the Greek architecture we have all seen from Pictures, but our three days there were spent relaxing by the pool, drinking way too many Pina Coladas and allowed our group to spend more quality time with each other without the hectic and fast paced walks around new cities we had spent the previous two weeks doing. 
We also spent a day on 'Georges Boat' where we were able to go Parasailing and tubing. I went tubing with Lauren and Ashleigh, laughing our heads off the entire time and swallowing more salt water than desired, before relaxing in the water with noodles and drinking wine. The water was so clear we could see fish from deep below us and the water was so salty you didn't even have to move in order to stay afloat. 

 In Munich we rode bikes and did a small tour of the city before going to the largest beer garden in the world and attempted to ride the bike back tipsy. All the boys on our tour had placed bets that I would be the one to fall off. Although I did scratch my leg on the pedal and bled a little bit, I can proudly say that they lost their bets.

Sorrento, a location I hadn't given much thought definitely surprised me. The water was clear as day and while we all treaded water by the shore, our view of the rolling hills and houses and buildings built on it in different colors was beautifully mesmerizing as I had never seen anything like it.


Venice was also one of my favorite locations. It is just so spectacular in the sense that there is nowhere else like it. Transport was either by boat or by foot, but I was surprised to find how small it actually is so walking everywhere was a breeze. I also got to tick off riding a Gondola from my bucket list. We sang as we were pushed around the canals and waved at others who passed us. 

Switzlerland's never ending mountains and waterfalls is a place I definitely hope to return to. Sitting on the grass by our lodge and admiring the view was an activity in itself. I was able to see snow for the second time in my life as we traveled up Jungfrau mountain, also known as the 'Top of Europe'. 

Of course we also went to Amsterdam and to get the full experience that the city has to offer, we went to a live sex show. It was an odd experience with one show including a young girl with the ability to smoke from a cigar out of her hoo-ha but it was definitely worth going to.

Rome was a great experience but not entirely a place I want to return to. As a tourist there is much to do, but I find that I prefer to live as a local, wandering around the streets, visiting stores to merely look, try different restaurants and find pretty places to sit and watch the world go by. However, the heat and dirtiness of the city left us quite uncomfortable and we found that many of the prime locations to visit was quite a far walk between with little to do on the way and we spent most of our time borderline lost, hoping to find our tour manger in time for our next activity. 


The last night of our trip left everyone embracing and crying. It was hard to say goodbye to people that you spent a whole month with every moment as they fly back to the other side of the country and all you have is hope that we will all see each other again but we cannot makes any promises.

As we drank wine on the Amsterdam Canal Cruise and did the Macarena, I realized that although I may not have changed as a person, I did feel in that moment that this experience was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. I am not sure what this new chapter entails but I am excited to see where it takes me.

Canal Cruise

I have also now been infected with the travel bug as I make plans for my next trip. Next stop, USA.