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Monday, 24 November 2014

Pain

Not all pains do their worst at the time; some tear you apart that instant but then there are the ones like, let's say, a paper cut. A paper cut that may sting but you brush it off and continue with your life, and then soon, it gets infected, worsening over time like the thoughts that claw at your brain. And that's when the real damage is done. 
 

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Sanity

 The world isn't as cruel as it used to be.  I'm not as desperate to believe in magic, mermaids or other beings as I did only several months ago. They're still interests and maybe mild beliefs but those obsessions to create a fantasy world that I believed in with all my heart has faded and I've never been more sane. 

Most would say this is a great thing and I've finally broken through those walls of make-believe that I created in order cope with my realities and now there is no need for such coping mechanisms. And then few would question a world without creativity and the worth of a life that has been lived many times before.  

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Change

I think back to this time last year and wow, how things have changed.
I had just graduated from high school and was embracing freedom and my new life that awaited with so much enthusiasm. Little did I know that I would soon be looking back at those high school days with so much Nostalgia.
But similarly to that time, I literally just turned eighteen 4 days ago and now I am once again embracing the actual freedom I have and saying goodbye to curfews and staying out more on weekdays and buying alcohol legally and exploring cute vintage bars and making new best friends for the night clubbing and going on mini trips.

Truth is, I hated change. I thought the change of the disappearance of school was great but it wasn't the only thing that changed the beginning of this year and I would hold on to familiarity so tight even though it was like a thread that had started to fray, not willing to let go.
But as the year slowly comes to an end, with only 2 months left of this extremely eventful 2014, I can now say, comfortably and acceptingly, that every single thing changes. Everything.
And perhaps I am not one that should be giving out advice, but if I could say one thing to you, to which you would actually think about and consider with all seriousness (although I'm sure a lot of you figured this out a looooong time ago), rather than stick your feet in the mud, go with the flow; embrace that change excitingly and make the most of it. It took me much longer than it should have to finally come to terms with this, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today, at this very second, reminiscing of the past few months and smiling at the memories that I hope to never forget. And for once, I am so fucking excited for what is to come.

And here I would just like to share a couple photos from my birthday weekend which was friggen AWESOME and much of a blur. 
Here is one of the many photos taken on the train with my best friend after we found a pair of scissors in my bag (god knows how they ended up there). My birthday was on Halloween so we dressed up in ripped shirts and fake blood with minimal effort as it was a last minute decision but nevertheless, best. Night. Ever. 
And this was from the next night after having literally less than one hour sleep from the one before, as we didn't event get home until 6:00 in the damn morning (so worth it). The guy in the middle is Nathaniel who a lot of you may have heard of as he is practically a friggen celebrity who we met on the street when trying to find an atm! And sings "baby it's you, you, you, youuu. You make me feel alriiiigttttttttt. Baby yoouuuuu-oooooo". 
And he said happy birthday to me :')

Monday, 25 August 2014

"Can't help it, man; it's life" - Jasmine Cheshire

I always believed in fate. It gave me comfort knowing that things happen for a reason; whether it be a lesson or to push us in to the right direction. 
This year however had me especially doubting this. How can fate exist if we have so many people suffering from heartbreak or homelessness. Is it their fate to have no where to call home, starving and giving up on life? How do some people have a luckier 'fate' than others?

Whilst pondering the clock-work of the universe with my best friend, we came to a conclusion, which may sound stupid or complete and utter bullshit to some of you (or most). We decided that we do in fact believe in fate, but also karma. Perhaps when things go wrong for us, it's a test from life. These are the things that really challenge us and if we don't handle it the right way, it can lead us down the wrong path; the one which is not our 'fate'. 
If you handle it right, have faith, continue to be the best person you can be and keep positive vibes, you'll get out of it with the best outcome and experience. 

And if not, well at least you can say you were still a good person during your worst of days. 

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Beauty

Reading with Fatty

It's a warm winters day. I sit outside soaking up some vitamin D with my good pal here, Fatty. I've been staying with a friend for two weeks now, I leave in two days, and while we were cleaning out the wardrobe in my temporary room, we came across this old book of her mum's (second picture). I began to read it a few days ago and by God, it is amazing. It was from a real journal of an innocent and naive 15 year old girl who's life goes to, well, shit, after drugs. 

It amazes me by how absolutely relatable she is; almost feels as if this book was meant to be read by me, and warn me. I am not a heavy drug user and I've never touched the hard stuff but what she has gone through have once been my fears. 
There was once a time, actually a long time, where I felt absolutely hopeless. I was naive and as a result felt completely and utterly disappointed in the world. It sure as hell was not what I expected. I had these high expectations of life and love and felt cheated by Disney for giving me these false ideas of how things would be. 
Drugs were my escape to a beautiful world. They were both a distraction and a doorway to magic and utter happiness. However, I was educated on drugs, unlike poor 'Alice' here and knew moderation was absolute key. 
Not going to lie though, I did have my weak points where I wanted to leave society, join a hippie convent and escape reality every second of every day. 
There were times when I wanted to leave reality altogether and fall into an endless sleep. 

I know I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. Perhaps you currently feel this way now. 
I'll let ya in on something; it gets better. First, you need true friends that you can have a ball with completely sober, and secondly, you need a hobby of your own. I stopped writing in this period and I swear it contributed to me growing crazy. Not expressing myself was the worst thing for me. Everything makes much more sense to me when they're words in front of me. In fact, this is the first time these thoughts have left my mind. 

Drugs probably had the best outcome possible for me; they opened my mind and made me a kinder and much less judgemental person. In fact, I found peace and acceptance of myself, and now no longer feel the need for them. However, I do not want to influence you and if you think you are weak, depressed or have an addictive personality then I beg you not to try them. Because the truth is, drugs are majority of the time used by those who are trying to fill a hole. I was trying to fill a hole and began to rely on that clog to distract me from the hurt that I denied and denied and denied until I fell asleep from being worn out by all the lies I told myself throughout the day. If it weren't for my family and friends, I wouldn't be where I am today. 

I was searching for beauty through drugs, but I forgot it was always there. There's beauty in the world that you don't have to see with their help, like the duck in the back yard that's protecting his eggs (third picture), and didn't leave them even though Fatty threatened his existence (naughty Fatty); or the stillness of the lake across the road that perfectly reflected the stars and moon as if it were a doorway to the rest of the universe last night; or the kind bus drivers who make my day by being extra kind to me and having a chat with a homeless man during his whole ride.
And, when you can't find the beauty, be the beauty. Be the beauty you want to see in the world and be the hope for others, as for all we know, they could be searching for the same thing. 

Sunday, 1 June 2014

Lisztomania - the need to listen to music at all times.

Music has got to be one of the most magical creations in the world. It's impressive that a song can alter your mood completely and turn you from your best mood to an emotional wreck in approximately three and a half minutes; the sounds of a familiar song can suddenly take you back to a time and place to which you listened to it; it brings a variety of different people together to dance wildly and share their love.

I find myself most comfortable when music is blasting at a level that I can no longer speak without yelling, where I can sing along unheard and think of nothing but the lyrics. Where I can lose myself in the rhythm as if the music was a shield that saved me; knew me.

The feeling of acceptance when you listen to a song that describes your situation, your feelings or your thoughts so perfectly and you fall in love with it because it's as if it cares and knows you.

I lost myself in the music last night. I swayed and my hair felt like silk when it blew across my cheeks. I smiled at the lights and closed my eyes to the feeling of home. And for the first time in a long time, for several moments I thought I lost myself from the harsh realities of my world and the thoughts that scratch slowly and quietly at my mind, creeping up at me and washing over without a warning.

But even music can only go so far.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Happy Days

My days lately have been very eventful. I like to think I have rekindled and started many friendships. I've become a 'yes' person and consequently met new people and gone on a few adventures. I am generally a happier person than I have been in a long time. 
Hitting the town in a vintage dress and bag from the flea market

                                                                                                      Mermaid hunting at the beach                                                                             

My friends and I have begun to visit our friends holiday house in Mandurah, south of Perth. It is absolutely so relaxing and the fact that we are getting away and staying in a house where we can do whatever we want is amazing. It is now our getaway place. What is even more delightful is that it is right on the river where we can go swimming and canoeing at absolutely any time. Although one of my friends is a bit sceptic about going swimming after hearing that the water is also inhabited by Bull Sharks. It was a lie of course... I hope.

I bought a stone that resembles greatly of a piece of a charcoal that is supposed to ward off negative energies. I instantly slipped into my shirt so that it was pressed against my heart and strangely enough, instantly started feeling heart burn or some sort of cramps. Most likely not even related but the coincidence was so strange. Ever since, I have not cried, and if heard news I didn't particularly like, I can easily shrug it off and continue with my positive and optimistic outlook.

I also caught up with one of my best friends whom I rarely see these days where we had a two night sleepover (woo), watched 90's movies, wore dresses snagged from the flea market and visited a book store. That there is my perfect idea of a weekend. Two of the films we watched included The Virgin Suicides directed by one of my favourite directors; Sofia Coppola and Lolita, directed by Adrian Lyne.



These two films I definitely recommend; them both being one of my many favourite films. The Virign Suicides is filled with some beautiful cinematography and some amazing quotes. It is a film that makes me wonder and even pushes me to question some of my views, particularly being related to suicide and promiscuity. Perhaps what I love most about the film is my ability to relate to so much, especially with the quote, "what we have here is a dreamer. Someone completely out of touch with reality". 

I bought and read the book Lolita, written by Vladmir Nabokov. I found the book quite difficult to read due to the big language and use of French quite frequently, but nevertheless, I still found myself almost lost in it, eager to know of the unique love story. When first hearing of what this book and film surrounded, I was shocked and automatically thought terribly of poor Mr Humbert. But after reading the book, and even more after watching the film, I found myself in awe of Mr Humbert and feeling sympathetic towards him. That was something I loved about the film; the director was able to position the viewer and challenge the viewers usual morals and views, to feel sympathetic for Mr Humbert if not like him, despite the circumstances. I would also like to take my top-hat off to Dominique Swain who played Lolita, absolutely perfectly, might I add. My vision of her in the book was almost identical to what I saw in the film. She absolutely smashed it. Another shout-out to the costume designer; I fell in love with Lolita's style. 




Images from Lolita

But one of the most important things that has happened over these past weeks, is that I have learnt to be one of my own best friends. There isn't enough time to waste hating ourselves. 

Monday, 10 February 2014

Beauty of Wonderland

 
 
I grew up with fairy tales. They're basically my childhood; from the films, books or pretending I was a lost princess who was to be rescued from my lovely mother by my prince charming. Fairy tales contributed a lot to my expectations of life. For instance, I believed that if you want something bad enough and you don't give up, it will be yours and of course, when you are of the age 16-18, you will meet your true love who save you and you will both live happily ever after. 

When I was little I would also have argumentative discussions with my sisters on which fairytale princess we would want to be. I would choose Ariel, the Little Mermaid. 98% of my childhood wishes were to become a mermaid (the other 2% was for my stuffed bear to come alive). Pinocchio made me believe that wishing hard enough on the right star would make my wish come true.
Perhaps it was the adventuring of the ocean or the mystery of the mermaids themselves that excited me but I wanted the Little Mermaid story, except the exact opposite, to happen to me so freakin' bad. 


My love for fairytales and my expectations have barely changed apart from that I know it won't be a prince that saves me, but my true love nonetheless. And I'm a tad skeptical with the whole 'happily ever after' part. 

But it was a bit of a shock to me when I rethought this question last night (yes, these are the kind of questions I ask myself when my brain won't let me sleep) and I came to the result of Alice in Wonderland. I want to be Alice who ventures to a completely different world filled with 'peculiar' and backwards things like a parallel universe. It actually seems like paradise, because what is considered as 'normal' wouldn't necessarily fit that criteria for myself (in this world). In wonderland, everything is opposite and absolutely anything is possible. And coming from a place where majority of things are near-impossible, including the lies and false expectations created by fairy tales, I would willingly jump down that rabbit hole. 

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Detoxifying the Mind

If you have read some of my other posts, you should then get an idea that I am rather pessimistic and a 'space cadet' as you could call it.  Everyone else around me seems so comfortable. I envy them. But I can't be the only one.

Have you ever been so disappointed in the world that you wanted to crawl in to a ball and shut everything out? Escape to different realities by reading books or becoming addicted to television series just so that you could pretend you were living a different life in a parallel universe? 

The more I grow up, the more I realise that absolutely nothing is the way I fucking expected or hoped. Nothing ends well; people are selfish and I am practically a piece of bacteria compared to the rest of this cruel and sad world that I will never, nor do I ever want to understand.



But for the sake of myself and those around me, I can't think like this. I need to be strong, happy, confident and accept what happens. I need to think positively and trust that everything will be okay. 
Much easier said than done.