Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Fern - Chapter One

The first chapter of a short story that I am writing is up on Alita's tales, for any of you who feel like doing a little bit of reading.

I haven't come up with a title as of yet, so I shall call it Fern for now.

I am still in the process of writing it so the following chapters to be uploaded may take a short while.

Here's a little synopsis of the story, should it spark your interest:

Fern follows the story of a nineteen year old girl, Cameron, and her mother, who leave their home and city behind to start fresh in a small town where no-one knows them.
The small town seems odd and different but Cameron and her mother find themselves happy and content with their new home. 

However, there is more going on in the town than what meets the eye. And Cameron might find out what. 

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Final week as a teenager

It's my final week as a nineteen year old and I found myself reminiscing of the past years as a teenager. Mostly I am dwelling on the little responsibility I had and the mischief I got up to. 

My teenage years had a slow start. I wasn't allowed to do much in high school. My social life was minimal and was spent mostly at home, watching Disney and binge watching films.
From my seventeenth year it got better. I saw my best friends quite often. I did what a lot of teenagers do with some mild regret but now look at those times fondly, though glad that I am not that person anymore. And I made a lot of memories, some bad but some also very great. 

In celebration of these last coming days before reaching my second decade upon this Earth, I decided to ask people to briefly share with me some of their fondest memories of being a teenager. Because although the days have passed, the memories have not, and I must remind myself of this when I very reluctantly turn twenty. 

I asked one of my close friends that I met through work. "Probably my fondest memories was spending time with my friends when we would get drunk and high and not really have a care in the world. No one had work, school was the hardest thing ever.
Australia Days were spent together and we were always using someone’s back yard as a meeting place. Sometimes we’d set up mattresses and camp out. 
I use to skip school with my ex boyfriend and his best friend and we’d go smoke cigarettes in the park and listen to music because we were extremely depressed and bonded through our lack of care or priority.
My friends were a safe haven because we all shared something similar and that was something so special to me" - Briz (20).

My mother answered, "sneaking out. Was fun until we got caught".
Over the years, after hearing stories and getting to know my mother, I am one hundred percent sure that one of the aspects she loved most about being a teenager was having rules that could be broken. "It's not as fun when you're allowed to", she has quoted to me many times.
My mother has a desire for rebellion. However, these days her morals and responsibilities are stronger. 

"My best mate would have shindigs and all us boys would just get drunk. Now we dont. Just the harsh reality of growing up", Callum (20) said. 

I was going to ask my nanna the same question but her fondest memory of being a teenager was probably her wedding day. Oh how times have changed. 

I'd say my fondest memories of being a teenager are quite similar to Briz's - only my difference is that I never had a bunch of friends due to my extreme shyness and instead spent my time with my best friend, and occasionally another. We would stay at each other's houses almost every night when we were seventeen, stay up late, and sit in the bathtub with blankets while talking endlessly and laughing. It doesn't sound like much but at the time it was everything.
We would go for drives at night and play music loudly while singing out to pedestrians as we drove past. We would go for a walk to the park and just stare at the stars. Or we would find cool places to get high. 

I guess we all look back and remember most is getting drunk and being stupid. And that is absolutely okay because it was fun, and we have all made memories from it. Drinking illegally was exciting after all. 

I've reached a point where doing that no longer interests me but I look back with great appreciation and hold those times in high sentimental value. If I had a dollar for every time I laughed during those times, I would be a millionaire. And laughter is one of the best things we humans have. 

Growing older was my ultimate fear when I was seventeen. My fear was so extreme that I hoped death would sometime soon save me from the inevitable. I feared getting older and not being able to do what I wanted. I feared my aging body making it impossible to do fun things. I feared being in a broken marriage that I believed occurred to everyone at some point. 
But as you get older, so do the things that make you happy. Years ago, getting high, laughing and running around carelessly made me happy. But now, it is saving, travelling, watching gigs and not having a hangover in the morning. 

Sunday, 16 October 2016

Reactions and Responses

I came to a realization several months ago.
It was something I had never really considered or thought about and I am embarrassed for how un-different I had assumed people were.

Years ago, I was visiting one of my close friends whom I had not seen in months. I was going over to her house, where we were going to buy a bottle of wine, watch 90's movies and eat pizza. I always had fun with this girl. I still do. Despite the long periods of time we go without seeing each other, I still consider her one of my best friends.

Anywho, I was looking forward to seeing her. So I went over to her house as normal. Her family was home. We were putting warm clothes on to prepare ourselves for the short but cold walk to the bottle shop where my legal friend was going to buy us a bottle of wine. As we were leaving, we heard crying from down her hallway. We poked our heads out from her bedroom door, finding her sister kneeling on the carpet floor of their parents bedroom while their parent's tried to calm her down.
I stayed put, confused as hell, while my friend checked to see what was going on.
The crying got worse, louder and more hysterical, now coming from both of the girls.

My friend ran outside, and I followed. She cried for what seemed like ages on the driveway, un-moving from the fatal position while I tried to calm her down. Her mother had just told them that she was diagnosed with cancer. I cried a little too.

Never in my life have I ever been in this position before. I wanted to tell my friend that everything was going to be okay. But I couldn't promise that. And I hate it when people tell me lies in order to try and calm me down because what the hell do they know?
So while she cried, not being to believe the situation and sobbing how bad it is, all I could do was agree. "This sucks", I cried with her. I just reminded her of what she already knew.

We spent the rest of the night eating pizza and watching movies in silence. All I could do was be there.

But the sad thing is, and I am not proud, I did not see this friend for six months after. Her life had gone to shit. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I was under the same circumstances and I didn't know how to make it better, or how to be there for her. I was scared, and my response to her reaction didn't help her. So I just didn't.
I eventually apologized to her and she forgave me without hesitation (bless her soul).

But I realize now, I was trying to help her by doing what I would want someone to do to me.
When people go through hard times in their lives, everyone has a different way of coping; and everyone needs a certain response from people. I never realized this; which explains why people often became quite hostile towards me when all I did was try to help, in my own way.

There is probably at least a dozen kinds of 'responses to a reaction' I'm going to call it, but I can only think of four:

1. Tell the person that 'everything is going to be okay'. This is probably my least favourite way I would like someone to respond to me when I am feeling down. But this is also exactly what some people need.
When things are going south for some people, they are often so hard and negative on themselves, that they need someone to be that little ray of light; a 'hope', you might say.

2. Space. Some people need to be alone. They need to deal with it by themselves and may just want space from other people. Perhaps they will discuss it after the climax of the situation has passed.

3. Tough love. Although this is not the particular response I most frequently want in hard situations, at times it is the one I need.
When hard times struck and people get upset, particularly if the situation is fixable and the turning of events relies solely on the person, this is the common response needed.
However, some people, whatever the situation, still prefer a "get over it" attitude from those close to them. And wallah, they brush it off, fix it (if fixable) and move on. There are worse things in the world right?

4. The fourth response that I can come up with, and the one I personally need myself, is kind of like receiving sympathy. When I am going through a hard time or when something bad has happened/ing, I need someone to agree; to empathize with me and say, "yeah man, that sucks".
I was discussing this with my mum who summarized this into much better words: I need clarification to my feelings.

And it's true. My feelings are often all over the place, that I need someone to tell me that its okay to feel how I am feeling.
I will talk about it, discuss how I feel and most likely cry, and even just releasing my emotions and having understanding from someone makes me feel better.

So, people are different. I knew this. But I didn't consider how I should act towards their bad times in order to make the situation better.
I have been trying to figure out my friends and trying to understand which one best suits them, but I realized it's a shit-load easier to just ask them.
So that's what I have been doing. So that in their hard times, I can be the friend they need.

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Why I Will Wait Until My Thirties to Have Kids

I'm twenty in one month. I know I am far too young to even have the idea of children on my mind yet, but that hasn't stopped me from dwelling on the thought of when an appropriate age would be to have a devil spawn. I guess this also due to the fact that I already have two nephews and a niece, many younger siblings and having children in one's teenage years has been a (very) common occurrence within my family.

I know that having children majority of the time is not planned. Life happens, literally, and the plans we have get thrown completely out the window. I know that. But that won't stop me from at least trying beating the trend of having three children by the time I am 25, which I am so far quite successful at doing. 

Years ago, and by years I mean only a couple, I intended to get married at the still young age of 26. Kids would be ideal within the next year or year after. I always thought that I wanted to be a mother by the time I was 28, at the latest. 

My mother was 18 when she had me, 15 when she had my older sister. Due to her being still so young, we got along really well. She understood us growing up. We were able to talk to her about anything, knowing she wouldn't yell at us or brush us off. It wasn't that long ago that she was going through the same thing, after all.
I have always been very proud of my relationship with my mother. Not only was she someone we could count on and talk to, but she was fun to be around as well. We crack jokes like long times friends. Spending time with her doesn't feel like a chore, but something I utterly enjoy. 

And I wanted the same relationship with my children as well. 

I didn't want to get to the age where I was too mature and knew too much that I completely looked past the aspects of my child's life that is significant to them, but perhaps not so significant to the grand-span of things. I want my child to be able to have fun with me and to tell me everything. I didn't want to have a child at 18 either like my mother, but I did intend to have a child not very long after - while my youth is still very fresh in my mind and I haven't been entirely brainwashed by adulthood and paying taxes. And while my energy is still sufficient enough to go out and doing adventurous things with them. 

I was set on this. Having a great relationship with my children is the ultimate goal and not having one is my biggest fear. But now as time has gone past another fear has pushed past it and is now in the lead that I believe can only be avoided by having children when my own life, of freedom and being independent without having dependents has passed. 
It is the fear of going through a mid-life crisis. 

From my observations of the relationships around me, majority of them have hit large bumps in the road that many people refer to as the crisis that occurs in the middle of the life. It is when people reach a certain age that they realize that their lives are almost over, and the ones of being young and reckless has passed and gone. And they look back at these times in their youth with great nostalgia but also regret.
They're sad that their youth has passed and now they're older and they don't necessarily want to be older. They look down at young adults with envy, wishing they were that age again and could do again what is deemed appropriate for young adults and not so much for middle aged people, to do. 

But something I also noticed among these relationships around me who have or did go through something like this, was that they all had children young. So of course they couldn't get everything out of their system and be young and stupid and do whatever they want because responsibilities came along, and their own happiness no longer came first because something they loved far more than themselves came along. 

So, that is why I will wait until my thirties to have children, and I will do everything in my power to follow through. Because I don't want to wake up one day unhappy and mildly regretful because I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do.
As much as I want that best-friend relationship with my children, I'd rather settle for a standard mother-child relationship than put them through an unhappy marriage like I have experienced first hand and witnessed my cousin's go through. 

I will be selfish and live my life the way I want, and do everything that I want, so that when that day comes along where there is a little human running around with my DNA, I can focus everything on them, be ready for the life ahead because the life gone is done, and I am done with it. 

Thursday, 6 October 2016

Not So Original

I try to be original when it comes to my blog posts. I don’t want to be like most other bloggers out there; merely writing about what I wore and exactly what I did. 

But when it comes to this time of year, every damn year, that gets all thrown out the window and despite urging myself not to, and attempting to hold back, I write about the same topic that I do every damn year, SUMMER!

I’m not even going to apologize. Summer is my absolute favorite season and the cold and bitterness of winter felt as if it was never going to end and there were honestly times when I believed summer had well and truly left, forever.
But it’s approaching; better late than ever. And my goodness am I gon’ darsh excited.

NOT ONLY am I now able to leave my house without getting rained on or getting annoyed by the consistent complaints of the low temperature (which I will admit is mostly from me), but I can go to the dearly beloved beach, drink ice cold cocktails, go camping without feeling the need to hide away in the tent whilst wrapping myself up in the sleeping bag and have picnics in different places. 

There is something about the feeling of Summer, or even the warmer days of Spring for that matter approaching that makes me feel like a fourteen year old again.
I remember being in high school, counting down the days until the holidays began with the expectation of going to parties and the beach and meeting up with friends and drinking smoothies and I couldn't bloody wait. Only those outings were rare and I found myself in front of the television far more often than in the sun with company that wasn't my dog.

Last year, I even tried to mimick the Summer of  '11 where my best friend and I had a 'Summer Bucket List' that we actually completed quite well; doing tasks such as 'the milk challenge', stealing a sign and going for a McDonalds run  in our pyjamas at two in the morning.
Okay, this sounds pretty lame but as fifteen year old's it felt like far from it.

My summer last year did not involve the beach as much as I had thought but I did a) go to pool parties, b) drink cocktails at a bar whilst watching the sunset, c) make my own smoothies and sip them as I sunbathed in my backyard and d) hang out with a lot of friends. I even went on a boat trip and attempted water boarding (which I failed ultimately at). So despite that about 70% of my usual days consisted of watching television, I thought this was a really good effort for my usual Summer's and I would definitely consider it a good one.

So no doubt I have high expectations as I notice the sun rising a millisecond earlier each day and when I hop into a warm car during my lunch break the familiar sensation reminds me of what awaits.

And then I realise that I will be working 5 days a week and have only two days to soak up the sun.On the bright side at least I will have some money to fund my expeditions.

So, here is my list of things I intend to do during the warmer months - though I say this now and I bet you I will probably only get around to doing half of them
1.       See Violent Soho on the 5th of November as a belated birthday celebration for both myself and my partner. This one is a definite as I have already purchased my tickets as well as matching band t-shirts.

2.       Rent a Cabana at Matisse Beach Club for my twentieth birthday (where in the hell has the time gone????) so that my friends and I can drink champagne in style

3.       Go to Wonderland in December: a chilled but unique festival usually filled with teepees where you can get face paintings, henna tattoos, more alcohol or just a downright good chat. I’ll also get to see The Jungle Giants – a band I am quite fond of.

4.       Go to Dunsborough for a week. And for those of you who don’t know where or what Dunsborough is; it’s a holiday destination south of Perth, consisting of beautiful beaches and is close by to even more beautiful beaches. Dunsborough is perhaps my favorite place on Earth… so far

5.       Go snorkeling as I promise myself to do every year but go once at the most. I’m committing this time
6.       Rooftop movies that so happens to only be open during summer – which is completely understandable.

7.       Check out the floating bar in Elizabeth Quays that I have been interested in visiting but the cold weather has left me feeling quite reluctant to get out of bed on a cold night

Monday, 3 October 2016

Questions about John Green that are haunting me

Currently my favorite quotation by John Green

John Green is by far my favorite author. And I sure as hell know that this isn't rare and I do not even care that I am not original because he bloody deserves to be a favorite among many. 

So far I have read Paper Towns, Looking for Alaska, Will Grayson Will Grayson and now, as of ten minutes ago, The Fault in Our Stars. 
John Green is my favorite author because well after the book has been finished and has become another spine among many other spines on my bookshelves, I am still thinking about it.
The story lines of his stories are always great. They're relateable, deep and he always manages to tell the story with humor and I laugh but I also sometimes cry.

But it is not his well thought out characterizations and story lines that leave my mind dwelling on the novel after it has become an ornament of decoration in my bedroom; it is the quotes that he comes up with that are so relevant to both the story but to life as well. And you can tell that he is a great observer and he understands so much that I only hope that not only can I manage to come up with a string of words that mean so much and sound so beautiful, but I want to tell everyone, as if hearing these particular quotes will bring peace and a greater understanding in the world. 

I know that is greatly over dramatic but my heart does not know the meaning of calm. 

After watching the movie I promised myself that I would never read The Fault in Our Stars with the intention of not putting myself through something that sappy again but after finding it on sale at a second-hand shop for $3.00, I convinced myself otherwise. And I enjoyed it. 

Anyway, these are the questions I have found myself wondering after reading these books and John Green, if you are reading this and can give me the clarity I need right now, or if anyone else can provide hints or anything, please do. 

1. Pretty much all of John Green's novels include the theme of depression. And most commonly, depression is felt by the love interest in the story. So, was there a period of time in John Green's life where he felt depressed, or, like I suspect, did he love someone who did?

2. If John Green loved a girl with depression, and I may be pushing myself here, but I have noticed that there has never really been a happy ending for the depressed, so I wonder, did he manage to help them?

3. Dark Black Blue nail polish has been mentioned three times I believe within his stories. It isn't hard to tell that he fell for someone who wore this exact color nail polish so I wonder now, was the dark-black-blue-nail-polish-wearing-girl his wife? 

4. From noticing another similarity within his novels I lastly wonder, did his youth and adolescent commonly involve pranks or anything that required planning and master-minding in order for it to follow through? 

I highly doubt to receive the answers to any of these but for once Google has let me down. 

Sunday, 2 October 2016

No one is perfect so why are we getting upset when they don't meet perfection?

If moving out has taught me anything, strangely enough, it is that absolutely no one is perfect.
Well, actually, it's not that I didn't necessarily know this already, its more that I didn't completely grasp the entire concept of it and dealing with it.

We all know that perfection is a total false and misleading concept that simply cannot be true. We post quotes on Facebook and Instagram idolising our flaws and yet we try to achieve it anyway with our flawless images.

Anyway, this isn't a rant about social media creating false ideas of people, not at all.

It's about how we have come to the understanding that no one is perfect, and yet we get upset with people for not meeting our expectations anyway.
I lived with my friend for several months and I love her to death. But God knows she is not perfect. And at times she made me feel pretty shitty. But her tendency to overreact and her consistent mood swings is who she is, and is something we can laugh about later when the time has passed.
I wouldn't change this about her. Even if at times it is upsetting. I suck it up, and give her the space she needs because the next day I know will be great, and it won't be long before she is making me laugh until I nearly wet myself and giving me a confidence boost that will radiate in my smile for an entire day.

This is the same with many of my friends. Maybe I am doing it wrong, because when someone in my life upsets me (mildly) by acting a certain way that is simply their way, rather than say something, I let it go. I am not going to argue with them simply because they are not meeting my tendencies of behaviour. As I am sure, I don't meet all of theirs. Because their good traits outweigh the bad, in my perspective. And I love them for who they are. And maybe it isn't all rainbows and butterflies all the time, but their worth it if it means they can be themselves.

But yet I find those in my life often picking out my flaws as if I were a contestant on Miss Universe, including family. Yes, I am often too negative. Yes, sometimes I am lazy and YES I am often way too sarcastic that people don't know I am joking and generally just think I am a bitch. But if you know me well enough, you would know that I am joking and I honestly mean well.

But since when did friendships involve confronting the other person over a small trait within their personality as if it is the end of the world?
Why must people suck the energy from the room because they got slightly offended over something that can so easily be shrugged off or at least explained? Should I apologize for making a joke that can be taken the wrong way by the small minority or should I just be asked what I really meant?
Should I start pointing out their flaws and discuss how it makes me feel sad for a split moment?

I had a friend that I spent every single day with. Even when they were at work I'd visit them on their lunch breaks before meeting them at their house later that night.
I got a really good understanding of them and they weren't perfect either, but they were great, and made me feel good a hell of a lot more than when they made me feel bad.
Sometimes when she spoke though, people would take her the completely wrong way. Including me at first. I always felt as if she was having a go at me and I'd feel confronted but turns out it was just how she often spoke about issues. I had to clarify to other people at times when she spoke with them, knowing they were taking it the wrong way that I often did. I never tried to change this fact about her - just tried to make it better, despite witnessing the sudden change of expression in the person she was talking to, but after explaining what she really meant to say, we would all laugh.

But when I would talk about the bad things in my life, with humour mind you, I was 'too negative'. And I got that. I am at times. But it wasn't as if I was crying. And yeah, maybe I do focus on the bad more than the good at times. I am a pessimist. Unfortunately I was programmed to view the cup as half empty and not half full.

I guess what I want to know is, should we be telling the people in their lives about their flaws so that they can improve and be the best person that they can be?
Or should we suck up their bad and appreciate the good?
Because I guess if the bad is outweighing the good, then leave. They don't have to be in your life and there are many people out there who may even like their bad traits. We are all different after all, including our preferences.

Maybe we need to stop trying to change each other and instead find the people who you love, the good and the bad?
Find someone who's flaws you can handle.